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My Brother Leaves for Portland Tomorrow
So tomorrow my brother will make the drive up here. As much as I am excited for him I hope hes making the right decision. Selfishly, I want him here. Scratch that REALLY REALLY REALLY want him here, lol, because its so wonderful to have family here when I feel so alone. And Justin has always been my closest family member, in fact in some respects hes my other half, more so than even Tony. We have had a crazy dysfunctional upbringing and we only have ever had each other to rely on. When things got down to rockbottom, and they did, many, many, many times I knew I could count on my brother to be there to bring me up and I know it was vice versa for him. Its hard to even describe or try and paint a picture of how deep our relationship is. Its the best thing in my world and always has been and will continue to be. To see him doing good, is to feel good. To see him sad, breaks me in two.

Which brings me to him coming up here. He has been working at Sony testing video games the past couple months and doing great.Every teenage boys dream job! Making good money And having fun. He was staying with my dad and his girlfriend for the first few months but than my dad broke up with his gf leaving both my dad and brother pretty much on the street. My dad moved in with my Grandpa which is quite a drive away from all Justins friends and also his job. My moms place isnt an option because shes psychotic. More on that in posts to come. But anyways hes been homeless. Everynight, everyday I think about that and feel to the core of me, sick. Its no way to live. Hes been sleeping on peoples couches for the past two months and I cant imagine how hard thats been for him, working a full time job while basically living out of his van. I certainly wouldnt have lasted this long. Everytime I talked to him he just would express how hard it was and all I could do was tell him I was sorry. I wished there was something I could do but being so far away, and being completly tapped out of money, there wasn't much.

In one respect I totally digg it. Hes tired of the couch life, knows he can get another job up here and also knows he has options here for an actual place to sleep every night. A place to live in the form of uur house and his friend Franco who also just got a place up here.

On the other hand I am worried. What if he doesnt get a job? What if hes completely miserable? What if hes making a mistake by leaving Sony, one of the best corporations maybe in this world, to come up here? What if the van breaks down on the way up here?

So many worries and sadly once again I find myself alone in them. Justin needs to make his own decisions and regardless of my feelings or warnings in order to really learn a lesson you need to try things your own way first and fail and succeed and learn. Thats life. People can talk till they are blue in the face teling you the smart way to do things but often most folks need to land in the pile of shit on their own accord to learn to take a different path. I wish wish wish that I had someone that cares for my brother like I do to confide these worries too. I have Tony but in alot of ways he does not understand the worries. He isnt capable, as a man, to understand the motherly worries.

I am trying to just relax right now and take time to accept that what will be, will be. I am emotional because I am just so mixed about it all. Overjoyed, happy, worried, anxious! I don't know what the right emotion is but I do know that I will be here to support my brother in his decision because thats what family does. I will be a firm rock for him when he needs me and if and when he asks for my advice I will give it to him openly and honestly. In being strong for him, I am being strong for myself. And thats how its been since day 1 of my life. I can trust that knowledge, its solid ground.
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